Sometimes making a change, even something as simple as a hair cut, is exactually what our souls need. But I get it, change is hard and nothing seems to soften the blow of unforeseen change. As I'm currently learning
After everything that has happened in the last few weeks, what with every expectation of direction I thought my life was heading in being taken from under me, all the hard work I had put in coming to nothing and having no choices left to me but to step away from it all, I felt like I needed to take charge, gain some control, any which way I could. So I got a hair cut. Now, it’s simple and maybe a little frivolous but I bet that most women – maybe even men – reading this will agree that sometimes, a fresh cut is all you need to feel right again.
And while the brave – albeit rash – decision of having a stylist cut off so much was a step toward living a more bold existence, it didn’t make me feel any better. I had gone into the hair salon with an expectation; just as I enter anything in my life. So when expectation did not align with reality I should have been prepared to handle it. But I wasn’t. And as I fought back tears and forced out a smiley thank you to the stylist, paying for a hairstyle that I had not asked for, it was then that I realised that what I have truly been lacking in this hard period is not a feeling of control but that of confidence. Even after applying a full face of make-up, curling my hair, buying a new outfit, I didn’t like the person that I saw in the mirror, I didn’t like the person I had become in amongst all the mess. I felt messing. And I wont lie, I still feel that way now.
Change is hard, really hard to handle, even at the best of times and right now I am in no way anywhere near the good times. Change is messy and confusing and it hurts and it is even harder to believe that good will come from this. Change, especially that which you cannot control, sucks. While I do agree that a seed needs to crack and break to grow, being pruned is tedious. This is not a post of solutions. The aim today is not to give you any advice. I don’t have much to give.
None of this is going to fix any of yours or mine own problems. Not today at least. But I thought I’d share anyway. My favorite illustrator on instagram Mari Andrew @bymariandrew draws and posts these extremely vulnerable, open and honest illustrations inspired by her journey. The hurt and the pain, the joy and confusion, the new and old, she lays it all out and offers it up willingly to anyone who needs comfort on their own tiring journey. Her simple doodles are a real comfort to me and she is an inspiration because instead of forcing out some pretty smile to appease the happy-go-lucky’s, she cuts her self open and lets the hurt paint the truth. She’s learned to let things go.
I don’t know. I guess I appreciate that someone is willing to speak up. I like that someone, somewhere out there agree’s with me; that sometimes you just have to let it hurt. One day things will be better, but today isn’t that day and that’s ok. I find it a great relief to know that I’m not the only one thinking some of the thoughts I have or feeling the way I feel. Because there’s a big difference between sympathy and empathy. I want to be that for others, someone honest, someone willing to share and help even if it hurts, someday.
As I said, this isn’t a post of solutions. I don’t really know what this is. But I do know one thing. I know that through surrender, through learning to let things go, through trusting in the good, things will get better. I will get better. And I’m starting to. Little by little I’m beginning to like the person in the mirror again. I even like my hair cut now. I feel a little less messy everyday.