Saturday 14 February 2015: 6.30am
We’ve landed. That is, me and my dad. That is, in Sydney; my new home. I am tired. I am drained; emotionally, mentally and therefore physically. I mean, not to be crass but what has been ‘coming out’ of me the last few days can most certainly not be called normal; my body is in attack mode and letting everyone unfortunate enough to stand too close to me know that it is not happy. And that is, at least as I am writing this, the present state of affairs. I am annoyed to not have gotten a seat in Business class and I am very upset with the fact that flying in a cramped and uncomfortable position has meant one cramped, uncomfortable, sleepless night for me. And it has not been the only one this week.
If you’re lost, wondering what I’m doing writing a blog post from a Sydney airport cafe at 6 in morning (although at this present moment in time I am unable to upload and will do so at a later date), let me fill you in because after all, this blog is about my journey down a narrow, dark, broken road with a map I cannot read. And today is day one of the most exciting plot twists in the story of Samii McCormick yet.
At the end of November 2014, after a not so wonderful experience, helping youth on their Leavers and before that, a not so bearable experience leading on a Performing arts camp, I made the decision to stop waiting for life to begin, but to make it for myself.
You could argue that I had already done just that as I have accomplished a lot over the last few years. But I was, most of the time just saying ‘Yes’; trying my hand at everything that came my way out of a misplaced, OCD fear of missing out. I wasn’t doing anything I really had a drive for.
So, after a lot of thought and discussion, ignoring my fears, the haters and judgement, I sent an online application to the college of my dreams; hoping, praying, crossing all my fingers and toes. And then only a few short days later, I received an email with an acceptance letter to study a Cert IV in Acting and Theatre craft.
Now think about that for a second. This is me we are talking about. High school dropout Samii McCormick accepted into college. I had been accepted into the college of my dreams.
If you didn’t already know, I have had this dream of studying Acting and of moving out of little Perth, for a long time. It would be an understatement to say I have written about my heartache for that dream, in passing, on this blog (It’s all I have wanted for quite some time and I feel like a broken record telling people that one day I will bigger and better than this). I wanted it so badly it hurt. I wanted this dream to become a reality and not remain just something I tell people I want to do sometime. I wanted to make life, not just wait around for ‘sometime’ to arrive.
But I felt like a failure and unworthy, incapable of doing it.
It pained me so much; the wanting. It hurt so much; the longing. I just wanted to have one dream come true, one good thing to happen in an otherwise crap year. I didn’t want to fail, to lose, to miss out anymore. I was tired of feeling that way. I had seen what God wanted for me, I had dreamed dreams of my own and I hated that I let things stop me from getting what I deserve.
But that’s all over; the pain of setbacks, the pain of failure and the pain of missing out. It’s all over today as I now sit here in my new home, at 8.20pm, editing what I wrote earlier on in the day and finish up this little post. Today is the day that I say ‘NO’ to doubt, worry, and fear. Today is the day I say “Yes!” to life, to the future, to the possibilities. Yes to control, yes to courage and yes to myself.
Yes, I can do this. Yes, I am more than capable. Yes, I am challenged and am going to face a lot of hard times over the next year but….But. Yes I can do this because Life is Good.