I’ll be the first to admit that I am terrible at uploading these articles regularly. I write, then edit, then delete and rewrite but never do I feel satisfied with the work I have done. I guess it is because I doubt myself; I have struggled for so long with a lack of self-belief and motivation that writing for In Pursuit Blog and keeping it going has become difficult. I never want to just write, never write or publish just for the sake of meeting a deadline; I am no blogger if I ever do such I thing. But I don’t know what to write about anymore. I feel burnt out, empty of inspiration. I think it’s high time I replace the lamp.
A star shines its light into the darkness; a light that travels unimaginable light years all the way to planet earth that we may see it. It is a light source that goes beyond and above, just to be seen. And seen it is indeed, by every human being on this planet we call Earth; seen and admired, questioned and wondered about. A star’s light is guidance across seas; a star’s light is fuel for the imagination. A star has a name and a purpose and is seen and known and appreciated.
I know the parable of salt and light from years of reading and re-reading it in the hope of an enlightening revelation occurring within. I have thought a lot about this idea of shining one’s light, the idea that just as we look for God’s light in the darkness of our lives we could maybe do the same for others. In fact I have always believed that that could be the one most powerful thing we could do with our lives; shinning – like a lamp on high, with a fire burning within that has strengthened and forged and made me so bright no one can hide my light – into the darkness for those who can’t see. It is partly because of this belief that I write this blog; that by using my gifts and actively motivating, uplifting and encouraging people I am shining the light of life, which is what my God is; life eternal.
Just like God created the stars in the night sky I believe He created us as Stars, to be seen and known and appreciated. Just as God spoke in the beginning and created light, He has given light to us that now dwell within our souls. And just as a sailor once looked into the darkness of night for a bright star God has given light to us to shine here on Earth for those who seek guidance.
But how does one do such a thing; how can you be a light in the darkness?
I will admit that it can be hard to do so if one does not understand how to; I question my own ability to do so on a daily basis but because I understand the importance of shining love and life I now work at it every day.
I think the first thing to remember, the first thing we need to know is that it’s not our own light, not our own power nor our own source of love that we are to shine. For me, this point is the hardest to remember; I have been on stage since I was very young and it is one the most overpowering, all-consuming feelings to have 300+ people applauding and cheering for me that I have a naturally selfish side. I love knowing that people have seen, and admired and questioned and wondered about me, as if I am the brightest star in the night sky. It makes me feel special and captivating and influential. But the light that they see when I perform with the understanding that I am praising Him by using my God given talents is so much brighter and unbelievably more powerful.
Another thing that helps me shine His light is the memories that I have of the times I have given, served and been rewarded because of it. I have had many an opportunity to say No and stay in my comfort zone, stay where things are easy, where things are ‘OK’ as they are. Because everyone knows it is safer to stick to the status quo. But during the times that I have stepped out, stepped forward and given of my time or money or talents, I have seen other people shine. And that is so much better.
In a few weeks I will be leading on my second Performing Arts Camp with Scripture Union WA and am glad to give of my time, my sleep and all of my energy. Why?
Even though I will be tired, drained and on edge for an entire week I know God is going to move by me saying Yes to this opportunity. On last year’s camp, which I lead on as a Fine Edge Theatre Company Intern, I was able to teach four young girls not only how to dance but that when they dance with the understanding that they are praising God with their talents they are shining a light that inspires. I was also blessed to be able to talk to the campers about the people whom have shown me love in action and because of my openness some campers opened up too, opened themselves to God and His love.
I have seen God come and I have experienced His light igniting within the hearts of youth and I am blessed to have these memories.
But memories are becoming all I have. My memories of the experiences of last year are becoming painful; I miss the travelling, the performing and it is hard to feel special and important, inspirational or motivational without a sound of applause. I haven’t published anything here in weeks and even as I write this I am fighting the voice within that questions the point of this blog…I am fighting to stay faithful and shine God’s light because it hard to do if one doesn’t know how to do so.
I thought that if I could move cities and study acting I could tick off a dream and in the process have my fire re-ignited. I thought that by taking on more throughout this year, by saying ‘Yes’ to more things I could find new insight. But just like so many other things that I have longed for or dreamed of achieving it looks like moving and studying is going to have to wait.
Someone once told me that I change my mind all too quickly. I didn’t want to listen to him, didn’t want to admit that I can be picky, choosy. Because if I did I would have to admit the reason for my indecision, the reason as to why I can be pushy about my ideas and the method or outcome of a situation, but cannot comprehend my thoughts, emotions or long term plans. And it is getting harder be the day to know what I want.
I know I want to make a difference. I know I want to have a job that allows me to utilise all my gifts – wisdom, administration – and all my talents – problem solving, public speaking, writing and acting. I know I would never be happy if I didn’t at least strive to shine positivity, love and light. But beyond that, everything is hazy or hidden in darkness and I am so tired of feeling hopeless to change my own life, let alone be of any help for anyone to change theirs.
I know that I need to stop stressing about the future; I also know that I shouldn’t be so easily turned around. I shouldn’t be so ready to find fault in a dream and I need to stop expecting the disappointment because knowing its coming doesn’t make it any easier. I also know that it is this lack of confidence that has clouded things; it is this doubt that has blown out my light. I have become jumpy and jittery and my light flickers more than blazes these days but I know that if I simply ask, new fire can be lit within and out of the cold molecular cloud I will come, burning brighter than any city on a hill that has stood before. Only question is, just how long will it last this time round?
I try to find some action plan to give you guys at the end of these blogs, but today it is hard to find one that would be worth your energy. I guess that this week I challenge you to look at how you relight your fire when it dims. And then how – if you are shinning any level of positivity – do you shine your light for others? Do you shine love or hurt, compassion or selfishness? Do you do it because you enjoy the thanks, the praise? Or is it because you know how important it is that we share God’s word and show others that they too are seen, known, questioned, wondered about, and appreciated. Maybe it’s time to replace the lamp.